Surviving Suicide
Mothers of pre-verbal children may ask the wailing child, “Where did you hurt yourself?” The small child points to the table. Mother then asks, “Where on you does it hurt?” Now the child points to his head.
An older but still small child sitting behind Mom in the car does not respond aloud when asked, “Would you like a cookie now?” Again, this time with feeling, Mom repeats, “If you want a cookie speak up!” The toddler answers with obvious annoyance, “Yes!”
The child is learning that Mom can’t understand what he thinks until he says it out loud.
The older child develops independence partly but significantly by practicing expressing his desires and needs. Further by taking responsibility for his choices the maturing child learns true independence. The child learns that to expect anyone to prioritize his needs over their own will likely disappoint.
An essential life skill is learning to be responsible for one’s communication; that is, to assess one’s desire then express it clearly and understandably. Thus one will develop a significant advantage in managing the problems of daily living.
The adolescent who displays the various moods and tempers of emotional disturbance may attract others to notice and even inquire, but unless he puts into words that he is desperate, he is unlikely to receive assistance.
The suicidal person may well be advertising discomfort, just not clearly enough for an interested person to recognize the danger. After the death, it is easy to assign self-blame for missing the obvious clues. By what rule does one have the responsibility to assess correctly these obvious clues? Isn’t it the responsibility of the distressed person to clearly say she is distressed? Even though it may be understandable that she did not do this, that doesn’t make it your fault that she killed herself. Her inability does not confer to you any special ability. You are still a fallible human being who does some things well and some things poorly more or less to some degree—just like the deceased. You don’t read minds.
Suicide is an unfortunate act. The person committing the act is not condemnable for attempting it, completing it, or even just not communicating effectively his aim. Neither is the person who did not assess the danger.
It certainly may be wise and quite natural, to be sad that a loved one has committed suicide. It may even be healthy and appropriate to reflect on your perceptions of any signs that may have existed; but it is an error to believe you should have acted differently.
What are the odds that you would not have tried to intervene if you really believed your friend or relative would actually attempt suicide? So how does it help you to dwell on failings that you attribute to yourself, as if you intentionally failed to prevent the suicide?
Let’s assume you did know that she would kill herself; further let’s assume you were eager for her to do it. Now that she has died, and you know that you have some culpability in the matter, how does that make you worthless rather than merely wrong? Sure it’s bad and you did it; welcome to the world of fallible human beings.
You might be wise to regret it and to change that approach. You are not likely to do better if you condemn yourself into shame.
Who among us wouldn’t do well to improve our sensitivity to others? Does it make us lousy human beings if we don’t? Of course not! We remain fallible regardless.
Links on 24-7 Help:
- About Thinking
- Getting In Touch With Your Emotions
- Irrational Beliefs Guide
- The Big Five Crazy Beliefs
- Rational Emotive Imagery
- Distinguishing Disturbed From Non-Disturbed Thinking
- Being disturbed About Being Disturbed
- It's So Awful I Can't Stand It
- Anger
- Grief
- I Feel Rotten About Myself
- Self-esteem
- Should It Be?
- I Demand My Way
Links to other sites:
