Shame and Guilt
Shame or guilt keep us from achieving mastery, gaining pleasure and satisfaction, acting assertively, sharing intimacy, and in general living fully.
Shame implies a self-rating statement, specifically a self-downing condemnation. This is not justified. Most of the behaviors we feel ashamed of when really considered amount to at worst things we would prefer not to have done.
Guilt is like shame. Guilt implies that one has done something so bad that regretting it is not enough. Guilt adds to regret that I should not have done this bad thing, therefore I must be no good.
Shame and guilt are largely indistinguishable for most people most of the time. Some theorists say shame means a person believes there is something about himself or herself as a person that is offensive or in itself bad, warranting self-condemnation; these theorists say that guilt means the person believes his or her behavior is bad, likewise warranting self-condemnation. It matters little. Shame and guilt result from irrational thinking about the person's self or the person's behavior.
It certainly may be inconvenient if one has an attribute some might not like, but how does that make the person unlikable to everyone? Even if it did, and even if life were more difficult because of it, it would hardly mean the person has no value as a human being.
Maybe we might be wise to regret having done some bad thing; but, to put oneself down for doing a regrettable thing is nonsense. Often we are ashamed of ourselves for doing things which a reasonable person wouldn't even regret; maybe we bring attention to ourselves for some silly act. So what? What sense does it make to be ashamed? None, of course, but we're just good at it!
And what about those truly bad, destructive, and harmful things at which we humans are so adept?
Maybe you have beaten an infant to death. That is certainly a bad thing. Society would be wise to consider removing you from the neighborhood, maybe putting you in prison. The person who killed the infant certainly is better off recognizing that she or he has done a vile act. You would be wise to take personal responsibility, accept accountability, and very strongly regret that behavior. But is it a useful thing to totally condemn yourself? Will that add to effective behavior change? Hardly. As repulsive as killing a baby is, and as worthwhile as feeling regret is, it is useless and unwise to condemn yourself through guilt feelings. Regret and guilt are not the same. They are quite different. See Distinguishing Disturbed From Non-disturbed Emotions.
To check out how we use shame to limit our lives unnecessarily, and to correct this condition reasonably well, we practice shame attacking exercises. We might practice by choosing some silly thing to do that will bring attention to us. We might be well advised to choose behaviors that don't bring harm to anyone or to ourselves. However, if we do slightly inconvenience someone, big deal; it's slightly regrettable, but not shameful! If attention is focused on us for some silly thing, would it be awful? Could we stand it? Would we be jerks? No, none of that would be a fact. Even if we assured ourselves it is all a fact, it wouldn't make it so. Anyway, I have decided those are not facts for me so I don't condemn myself when I behave regrettably (well, I'm improving).
Shame attacking ideas:
- Shout prices in the supermarket. "Nice fresh tomatoes, four for a dollar."
- Tell the waiter you like the dress he's wearing.
- Wear some uncoordinated piece of clothing conspicuously.
- Name your next child "Spot" (Well, maybe we could think this one over first).
I think you get the idea. Practice will help you. You will come face-to-face with the real facts: Hardly anyone will notice or care! When someone does, you will survive. More than that you will learn to take these chains off your life. Won't that be nice!
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