Self-Esteem

All self-esteem is low self-esteem. There is no such thing as good or high self-esteem. The whole self-esteem deal is nonsense. Let's take a look at it.

Self-esteem is generally based upon either improving some personal attribute or upon improving some aspect of personal performance.

When I lose weight, get into shape, or otherwise enhance some attribute for the purpose of good health, that is a good thing (life enhancing) for me to do.
When I lose weight, get into shape, or otherwise enhance some attribute in order to be a better person, or to be acceptable, that is self-defeating thing.
When I seek to improve my free throws or my backhand so that I can enjoy the sport better, that is pleasure enhancing.
When I seek to improve my free throws or my backhand so that I can be a star, that is self-defeating.

Self-acceptance is based on the principle of nonjudgmental thinking.

When I judge myself as good or bad, acceptable or unacceptable, worthwhile or worthless, I must base that judgment on some self-defined quality such as attributes or performance.
We are all, as Maxie Maultsby, MD. says, just fallible human beings. Check The NACBT Web Site for Dr. Maultsby.

Let's see how this works in a scene I'll just make up:

Lacey really wants to attract the young men. She has determined to lose weight, get into shape, and flirt all over the beach in a brand new bikini. She has 6 months to get ready and she is focused.

As she loses weight, tightens those calves, and increases her stamina, she is getting excited. She reads several women’s magazines for ideas, and can’t help making her goal the subject of all her conversations with her friends. She is moving fast and she is feeling good about it.

Lacey notices that she is also feeling good about herself. As the time passes, with only 2 months to go, Lacey starts planning her vacation to the beach. She reserves a motel room, gets her airline ticket, and heads for the shops to check out this year’s swim wear.

How do you think Lacey feels now? Pretty good!

As she visits the swimwear sections of her favorite stores, Lacey notices the other young women buying bikinis. She observes one is a beautiful blond, another has a drop-dead figure, and another has money to buy several very expensive outfits.

In comparison, Lacey finds herself deficient. She imagines herself being approached by a handsome fellow with sun-bleached hair when one of these beauties catches his eye. Shaken Lacey stops by the nearest dessert counter to assess her problem.

Over a pie alamode and chocolate shake, Lacey decides that nearly all the young women will be beach ready before she will be; and furthermore, they will certainly get all the desirable men. She is sure she’ll be the standout pug in the entire beach crowd. All of a sudden she feels hopeless, helpless, and worthless.

Should Lacey just go home and give up her plans for the beach?

We live in an unforgiving universe. One in which the best plans do not always have desirable results, where some people have advantages over others. Well, those things should be the way they are, even if we don't like it.

What should Lacey’s self-esteem be?

Rationally, Lacey could tell herself the facts: Losing weight, getting in shape, and increasing stamina may help her compete; but success at her goal means nothing about her—it only means something about success at her goal!

If she attracts the most desirable man on the beach, that may be a good thing for her, and it may mean she is better off, but it doesn’t mean she is a better person. It is certainly positive to strive for worthwhile goals, and success is rewarding, but it doesn’t change herself as a person.

What if she fails to attract her dreamboat? Does it mean she is worthless? No, it may mean he made a mistake. Whatever it means, it doesn’t mean anything about her—only about her goal.

What if Lacey takes the attitude that she will strive to compete, excitedly hoping for success, while being willing to accept results that she gets? Won’t she enjoy the experience more? And even if disappointed, its only disappointment, not devastation!

If Lacey decides to have self-acceptance not self-worth, won’t she more likely follow through on her effort? Won’t she more likely enjoy it? Won’t she more likely succeed? At least she won’t tend to self-sabotage when she is shopping for a bikini along with the Miss Universe contestants!

I accept myself because I am. I'm entitled to the space I take up because I'm in it; and besides, no one else wants it while I'm in it, anyway. I am, like everybody else, a fallible human being who does some things well, and some things poorly, more or less, to some degree.

Give up your aspirations to enhance your self-esteem, and take up working to improve your self-acceptance. It may seem like semantics--that is, just a word game, but once you work at it you'll see the difference--the life improving difference.

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