Relationship Conflict

Martha and George's Big Adventure

George is home from work on time as usual. Its 5:00pm and Martha is expecting him. Martha greets George at the door as she does every day. After hugging him she asks, "Did you get the sour cream?"

George reacts, "Oh, Gee, Martha, I meant to, but I forgot. I'll go right now to get it."

"You don’t have time, now George," Martha responds! disappointedly. "The party starts in less than an hour."

"Can you run out and get it, Martha?" George asks.

"No, George, I can't go. I've been preparing for this party all day. I have too much to do here; I can't leave in the middle of things. That's why I called you this morning to ask you to pick some up on your way home," Martha responded exasperated.

"I can see you're angry at me, Martha," George whimpered.

"Angry, George? I'm not angry," Martha snapped. "These are your friends!"

"Martha, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to forget," George apologized.

"Sorry, George? Sorry? That's what you always say when you assure me you will do something I ask but then forget," Martha said sharply.

"You seem resentful, Martha," George said.

"Resentful, George? You're damn right I'm resentful. You do this to me all the time!" Martha blurts out forcefully.

"Martha, I didn't know you felt this way. I never realized I wasn't being reliable about remembering what you ask me to do," George responded. "Look, Martha, we can't resolve this now before the party. Let's get through this tonight. In the morning we'll clean up the place then I’ll take you out to breakfast. After breakfast over coffee, I'll have some ideas about how I can do better to correct this problem," George offered.

"OK, George, that sounds like a good Idea. And maybe I can help with some ideas of my own; like maybe I could call you just before you leave work to remind you," Martha contributed.

Let's take a look at how Martha and George resolved their problem so far.

Identify the feelings

So long as George and Martha were stumbling around Martha's feelings, they could get nowhere. Until they could agree on the significant emotional disturbance that Martha was experiencing, they could not progress. It is critical to come to agreement on the emotion.

Many people are so uncomfortable with other people's unhappy feelings that they won't do what is necessary to find out just what the other really feels. Asking how the other feels, or suggesting a feeling one thinks the other may be experiencing are often remarkably successful.

Express the feelings

Once George began to deal with Martha's feelings, he was on the right track. At first he thought she was angry. If George had not checked that out with Martha, but just acted on the assumption that Martha really was angry, their disagreement would likely have escalated all night. She would have continued to be resentful about his forgetful behavior and he would have continued to believe she was only angry about his not bringing home the sour cream. But George revealed his view about her feelings, which helped Martha clarify them.

This allowed them to focus accurately and efficiently on solving the real problem.

Unwillingness to express one's emotions makes it impossible to deal with them. Expressing one's feelings helps assure that each party to the disagreement can be confident that the other is working on the same issue.

Accept the feelings

Consider a woman who simply can not bring herself to admit that she is angry at her husband. Maybe she had been brought up to believe that it would be just as immoral for her to be angry at her husband as for the church to be angry at God.

With this attitude, she is unable to come to grips with her feelings. It will be impossible for her husband to communicate about them with her.

She may work out on him, all the time denying she is upset at him, until they were driven to therapy.

Some men hit their wives when their wives show any sign of disapproval. This is a violent way to reject a partner's feelings. How can a couple resolve any conflict under these conditions?

Accepting one's own and one's partner's feelings builds trust in the relationship. It gives the message that the relationship is more important than one's pride, one's painful feelings, etc. it gives the message that one is willing to suffer for the benefit of the relationship.

Resolve the problem

Once Martha and George identified, expressed, and accepted her resentment, they could then work on a solution to it. The solution does not have to be immediate, as can be seen from this example.

Bottom line

When one is confronted with a problem in a relationship, it is wise to deal with the feelings first; then deal with the problem. If strong negative feelings are involved, the problem will be a source of building suspicion, breaking down trust, developing resentment, anxiety, etc.; unless of course the feelings are dealt with.

It is usually better to manage the feelings first, but it is not absolutely necessary. When one realizes that feelings remain a barrier to the relationship, take them up as soon as practical.

It is not a good idea to "let sleeping dogs lie" in most cases. Check it out by asking or suggesting how the other feels. I once knew a therapist who was so sure he could tell what the intentions (motivations) of others were, that he merely told them what they felt, intended, meant, etc. Can you imagine how his relationships fared?

Now to the problem

What problem is so large that it is too big for any trusting relationship to handle? What problem is so small that it is not big enough to ruin a relationship where trust is in question by either partner?

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