Problem Child
Joan and Ann don’t know each other, nor do their children, but they are very much alike just the same.
Joan’s son is 16, very moody, often angry, and spends his after school hours alone in his room listening to his music. Jarred rarely socializes with his family and every attempt by Joan is met with disdain and suspicion.
- "Why are you checking on me?"
- "Are you the police?
Jarred seethes when his mother checks to see what he is doing, or how he is doing in school. Joan makes some sharp biting statement about just trying to be a good mother, apologizes for interrupting, and leaves confused, frustrated, anxious, guilty, and very angry. Joan is afraid she is losing her son, that he will never love her, and that he may wind up failing school…or worse.
Ann’s 10 year old Sara ignores Ann when Ann calls to her. Sara comes when she wants to, not when mom calls her. Sara is demanding and unhappy. I don’t like spinach. I’m going to watch Barney now! Ann loses her temper and only when she flies into a rage does Sara seem inclined to pay any attention to her. Ann is depressed that she is failing as a mother; she often thinks of punishing Sara for disobedience, but she fears that will cause Sara not to love her.
Even though they don’t know each other, Joan and Ann know Edna, whom they both admire. Edna has 3 children ages, 6, 11, and 17. Edna’s children are polite and cheerful. Of course, being human, let alone children, they have their moments. But overall they seem to be doing well. Joan and Ann wonder how Edna manages to be so lucky.
Edna believes what Joan and Ann don’t believe. Edna believes that by focusing on family values and rules, she can hold her children accountable without fighting with them. When there is conflict mom simply references the rule, firmly insists on obedience, and patiently but doggedly demands her children conform to the rule. Edna does not make her relationship with her children the issue. That is she doesn’t imply that if they love her they would do this or that thing. Or to put it another way, Edna doesn’t think it means anything about her when the children misbehave. She doesn’t think it means anything about the children either. She rightly thinks it means plenty about their behavior though, but not about them as individual people.
Edna doesn’t concern herself with whether her children will love her. She is glad they do and hopes they continue to do so. But she knows her job as mother, is willing to do it, and simply trusts that doing her motherly job will put the odds in her children’s favor. Edna knows that any of them could take a wrong path, wind up on drugs, in a gang, with AIDS or dead. She knows child rearing is an odds game. And she is playing the odds the best she can.
When Edna punishes her children, she doesn’t make it about their view of her. She stays focused on their disobedience. That way, she loves them, disciplines them, and maintains her role as mother. This gives all of them room to play, interact with each other and with others, and do all those family things and individual things children in families do.
Edna would gladly explain what she does to either Joan or Ann, but they wouldn’t believe her if she did. They think they must guarantee their children’s outcome, not help them develop it. They demand obedience, and try to control important aspects of their children’s lives. They don’t get what they demand so they try harder and demand more.
Joan’s and Ann’s children aren’t doomed anymore than Edna’s children are guaranteed success. It’s an odds game. But as the old saying goes, the hare may not always win the race against the tortoise, but it’s the way to bet.
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