Lack of Confidence

Georgia does not like criticism. She knows that any mistake she makes may result in a harsh word from her husband. More than that, she is likely to receive a put-down even if she doesn’t make a mistake. After all, no matter how well she does anything, he says she could have done it better, sooner, or with more grace. Georgia lives with the constant reminder that she is a failure. Naturally, she lacks confidence.

Georgia has come to believe that she just can’t meet the standard. She even puts herself down. As a matter of fact, she doesn’t merely put herself down anymore; she actually keeps herself down. She has figured out that if she keeps herself down, she will minimize the pain of any criticism; it will just be confirmation of what she is already telling herself.

Did I say telling herself? What could she be telling herself? I’ll bet it is likely to be something like the following:

  • "I can’t do anything right, though everyone else can."
  • "It’s awful that I am such a klutz, a nincompoop, and an incompetent, when everyone else is so much more capable than I am."
  • "I can’t stand that I never do anything well, while everyone else functions consistently fine."
  • "I’m just no good."

In addition, I’ll bet Georgia not only tells herself this junk, but she strongly believes it. Yes, she has convinced herself that she is worthless.

Lack of confidence and worthlessness are often companions. But does any of this make sense?

Is Georgia really incompetent or worthless? What do the facts show—not what does Georgia believe?

The facts are that Georgia, like every human does some things well and some things poorly more or less to some degree. Further, the facts are that Georgia has defined herself a failure, not based upon facts, but based upon her crazy beliefs. Her husband doesn’t make her feel incompetent or worthless. He merely tells her she is. She makes herself feel incompetent and worthless by strongly believing and constantly reinforcing her crazy conclusions about herself.

Her husband is behaving badly, he is definitely wrong to do it, and he certainly affects Georgia negatively. But he doesn’t have enough power—God like power—to make her feel anything. She does that for herself.

Would Georgia feel differently—better—if she determinedly, forcefully, patiently made herself believe the facts, that she like every other human does some things well and some things poorly more or less to some degree? What if Georgia evaluated her chances to succeed at hanging pictures in the Living Room by simply estimating her skill, the time she has to attempt the effort, and her tools to do the job? Then she might conclude that she is not likely to get all the pictures hung before her in-laws show up tomorrow. Maybe she will hang one or two.

Her confidence would be the result of her careful estimation of the issue, not of her habitual self-downing. Then she could tackle the task, modify it, or not do it at all based on her level of confidence, derived from facts.

How would Georgia feel about herself if she chooses not to hang the pictures? Would she still put herself down? Or wouldn’t she more likely decide to believe—correctly—that it doesn’t mean anything at all about her, but only about her capability to do that task within this time limit. Too bad she won’t succeed at everything she wants to do. But she doesn’t have to foolishly believe that just because she wants to do something that she absolutely must be able to do it, no matter the constraints.

How might Georgia’s new attitude affect her husband’s behavior? He may discover that his ugly words get a very different response from Georgia. He may therefore choose to change his behavior for the better. But he may not. Either way Georgia’s life improves.

Read How to Stubbornly Refuse To Make Yourself Miserable About Anything—Yes, Anything! REVISED 2nd Edition. by Albert Ellis, Ph. D.

Links on 24-7 Help:

Links to other sites:

Website Development By
Website Development by Thunder Data Systems

© 2007 Thunder Data Systems
All Rights Reserved