Grief
Sylvia’s 7 month old son died unexpectedly. She is broken up about it. She checks his bed during the night, each time sure he is there, but each time his bed is empty. Sylvia doesn’t know what she feels. Her feelings rage from one painful emotion to the next. She is angry at God and herself. She is bewildered, confused, depressed and disoriented.
Sylvia’s husband Roger is suffering terribly as well. Even so he tries to console Sylvia. Sylvia is inconsolable. Roger feels rejected and alone. Sylvia receives little comfort from Roger, though she sees he is suffering. Sylvia believes her suffering is interminable. Her relationship with Roger is straining but she does not notice. She believes no one knows what she is going through. She sees herself as alone and isolated. Angry and resentful, anxious and guilty, ashamed and exhausted, Sylvia is grieving.
As she grieves she finds herself desperately lonely, frequently suicidal, and easily enraged. She pushes away any who would reach out to her; especially those who love her. She cannot tolerate sympathy or comforting. She is convinced she does not deserve it; she is convinced the world is against her. She feels irreconcilably lost.
Only the return of her son will suffice to bring order or normalcy to her life. She has decided it; she demands it. Who can tell her she is wrong to wish this tragedy had not occurred?
But Sylvia doesn’t only strongly desire events would be different, she also demands that reality be different than it most assuredly is. Through her absolute energized demand that the world work to suit her, she has exhausted herself and fixed herself in emotional disturbance from which she convinces herself there is only one way out, suicide.
But Sylvia has another option that she doesn’t know. She can give up her demand that her son not be dead.
Of course she will strongly want him not to have died, but that will not destroy her life. If she strongly wants her son alive, she can receive sympathy and comfort. She can accept the love of her husband, family and friends. She can sympathize with Roger and comfort him as well. But that demand is killing her. And she cannot have what she demands to have. So she destroys her life. Foolish but understandable, isn’t it?
How can we help Sylvia? We can vigorously, firmly, even loudly, but always gently and sympathetically, attack her crazy irrational demand! She of course, is likely to argue against our sane view, but the more she argues, the better she may hear her irrational thinking. At some point, she may see the light; actually, she is likely to see the light quite quickly, but that may result in even more emotional pain. Believe it or not, non-disturbed emotional pain is sometimes more intense than disturbed emotional pain. But it is not ultimately destructive.
We can live with appropriate emotional pain. And we can accept it, and reduce its intensity over time, while getting about our lives in a constructive way, even though facing serious difficulties. But irrational demanding will lead us to doom. Not a good thing. Let’s go for appropriate sorrow, disappointment, sadness and annoyance. Let’s avoid rage, anxiety, guilt and shame. Let’s nurture and strengthen our important relationships. Let’s avoid killing them as well as ourselves.
Links on 24-7 Help:
- Assignment on Shame
- Being disturbed About Being Disturbed
- Irrational Beliefs Guide
- It's So Awful I Can't Stand It
- Should It Be?
- Test for self-worth
- Anger
- About Thinking
- Thoughts Log
- Pain and Discomfort
Links to other sites:
