Successful Dating
If you would like to really succeed at dating, you have to approach it with a plan that actually makes sense to you. Most people plan without even knowing it. Many people go to bars just knowing that "tonight I'm going to meet the perfect person." They spend hours getting ready. They put a little extra money in their wallets, or a little extra attention on their attire.
At the bar they carefully look around for that one special person. After a drink or two, maybe a few dances, they begin to get into the "mood". After a few hours or 2 am, whichever comes first, they go home with someone. They hope this will work out. It has to work out! It doesn't work out, of course.
What a plan! Next Friday night they use it again. This is just one of the more popular plans people have for failure. It gets worse; sometimes this plan works so well they marry the person they met at the bar.
Successful dating requires five operations:
- Decide who is attractive to you. Make this decision when you are cold sober and not desperate to have someone with whom to spend the night--tonight! Consider carefully the following issues so that you are prepared when you meet anyone that you are able to instantly decide if that person is dating material:
- Who would I not like to date? That is, is there a person, a type of personality, a religion, etc. that you would prefer to avoid in dating?
- Who do I think is not good enough for me to date? This may imply a prejudice or false pride issue that you would do well to address.
- Who do I think is too good for me to date? The same thing applies here. How did you conclude that someone is too good for anyone, including you?
- Initiate communication:
- Make eye contact and smile. This gives the message that you are not averse to meeting.
- Either person can begin the conversation. Don't worry if you're bashful about talking. The other person may not be. However, if bashfulness keeps you from meeting people, you might check the shame and guilt page.
- After brief pleasant conversation either person may touch the other on the arm. I know this sounds simplistic or silly; but it isn't. For some people, it is hard to distinguish sexual assault from engaging behavior. A touch on the arm is almost never mistaken for assault. It can "break the ice" like nothing but a touch can do.
- Set limits:
- Either may suggest a date in general terms.
- Some people prefer that the man ask the woman for a specific date.
- The date should not be made for same day on which it is asked (If this is Tuesday, don't ask for or accept a date for today- Tuesday). A little time gives each person the message that impulse is not the guiding principle here.
- Be sure that the entire proposed agenda (schedule) for the date is arranged prior to the day of the date. Its comforting to know where you are going, how long you will be there, etc. before you wind up in a car with someone you can't figure out how to get rid of.
- Be sure the first date ends before midnight. This is a good message to give. It implies that impulse is not the guiding principle here. Where have we seen that before?
- On your first date do not invite your partner into your home at end of the date and likewise don't go home with your date.
- On your first date avoid alcohol before and during the date. Afterwards, you're on your own.
- On your first date don't go any place where alcohol is served as primary purpose of establishment. Alcohol brings out the impulsiveness in some folks. We're trying to avoid that early in the dating relationship.
- No intimate physical contact. Keep all your clothes on. Keep your hands to yourself!
- After your first date, you may relax the limits you have set as you feel comfortable. However, it is wise to respect your partner's limits until he or she is prepared to relax them. If you like, ask once if you would like a limit relaxed. Asking any more feels like pressure to many people.
- Establish trust building communications. This is sometimes tough, but it can be an exciting part of relating.
- Identify either partner's significant feelings. If your partner seems irritated or angry, for example, mention it gently. "It looks like you're angry. Would you like to talk about it?" It is often useful to name the feeling: angry, sad, glad, happy, etc. It clarifies things.
- Express to each other an understanding of those feelings. When your partner tells you how he or she feels, you might reflect to see if you have ever felt that feeling. Chances are you have. You can then say that you know what that is like. This is often reassuring and comforting.
- Accept your own and your partner's feelings. It is not a deadly thing for you or your partner to be mad, or anxious, or confused, etc. If you have trouble accepting some of your feelings take the test for self-worth. If you have trouble accepting someone's feelings, try the irrational beliefs guide. They are both on this web site. Just mouse click the colored hyperlinks and the magic of the Internet will take you right to them. Amazing.
- Act on the feeling. No, don't over react. Just calmly act on your feelings. Say something for example. You don't have to be insensitive or hurtful to make an appropriate comment. Sometimes people like a smile. I like ice cream. Here are some better ideas:
- Set or relax a limit.
- Solve a problem.
- Take a risk toward developing the relationship.
- Exchange an affectionate act.
You may want to assure that you don't sabotage your effort by irrational thinking, such as, "Nobody would want me." You may try some of the helpful links below to keep yourself in rational order.
It takes some discipline and some planning, but it's your date. It's your life. Do it for yourself.
Links on 24-7 Help:
