Connecting Emotionally

Mark unloads on Mable again. His temper is loose and frequent. He almost never speaks to her in calm civil tones. He doesn’t yell, but he is harsh and terse. He lectures and preaches. Mark interrupts Mable routinely with unrelated comments. He criticizes her frequently. She doesn’t like it. She tries to offer consolation, affection, caring, concern, and all the right things she can think to do; he snaps in reply to anything she does. He is intimidating. She believes Mark is unsatisfied with her and dismissive of her.

Mark does not understand why Mable doesn’t do better; after all, he corrects her clearly, consistently, and regularly. He thinks she doesn’t love him enough to improve. He is impatient and resentful. In his mind he doesn’t demand much from her and she doesn’t deliver.

Mark has a bad temper. He thinks Mable is the problem so he will be quite bewildered when his marriage fails and she presents him a history of his abusive behavior. He has no idea that she has such a different view of their relationship.

Roger is watching TV while Doris prattles about her disagreement with Denise. He can’t keep up with her, so he has focused on the ball game. He dropped out of the conversation he was not really in. He is not ignoring Doris; he is simply available if she tries to include him. He knows her signal that she is checking to see if she still has his attention: “What do you think?” she is certain to ask. He has a stock answer: “I don’t know, its pretty complicated to me.” Doris is satisfied that Roger answered. Roger is relieved that phase 1 is over.

Content, she moves on to another room. In a few minutes she will call him. He knows to go immediately. She will have some insignificant request, “Do these shoes go with this dress?” What does he know? “Sure they look fine,” he replies. She selects another pair. Phase 2 is done.

“Roger I have a few things that need your attention.” She points out the growing list of household maintenance items again. Roger replies that he’ll get to them right away. Doris complains indirectly that he has promised this repeatedly. Roger makes some excuse then leaves home for the hardware store to get some parts as well as to get away from Doris.

Doris wants Roger to demonstrate his love for her by attending to her needs. She feels neglected and dismissed. She is trying to find a way to get him to show his love, but she finds only frustration. She doesn’t know what to do.

Mark and Mable and Doris and Roger are communicating for all they are worth, but neither hears what the other says. Far more importantly, neither hears himself or herself as his or her spouse does. As Robert Frost suggests, we don’t see ourselves as others see us. But we can, at least to a useful degree.

If you are serious about your loving relationship, you will do well to occasionally ask your partner to tell you what she or he hears you saying; or to tell you what she or he wants from you. Next as Carl Rogers taught, concisely reflect what you understood your spouse to say—not what you think your spouse should have said.

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