Assertiveness

So, I'll bet you're a nice person. I know, you don't have to be nice to have assertiveness issues, but it is pretty likely.

You don't like to disappoint others or to hurt their feelings, right?

You have the idea that if someone is disappointed or has their feelings hurt, they are in pain. Pain is a bad thing isn't it? You try to avoid causing pain. Did I guess that correctly?

Well, let's take a look at this thinking. Is pain a bad thing? Always?

If you have a commitment that you made to someone, it is right to keep it. However, sometimes commitments happen to us inappropriately.

How about an example: Sarah your very talkative and somewhat pushy friend seems to take you for granted often. She calls to tell you that she is expecting a very important business acquaintance of her husband for supper tonight. She really needs a bottle of Merlot. She asks you to get one for her now; and by the way, one that will impress her husband's friend!

It's already late afternoon and you have other plans, but as usual, you don't want to disappoint your friend. So off to the nicest liquor store in the area you go.

Let me guess what you are thinking:

  • "Since I'm Sarah's friend I must help her when she is in need.
  • "It would create a terrible rift in our relationship if I tell her I am busy.
  • "She would react horribly, and she would rattle off the laundry list of things she does for me and the truly awful effect failure would have on her poor husband, who is trying his best to succeed in his high-pressure world.
  • "I couldn't stand it if she reacted that way.
  • "I'd feel like the lousiest person in the world if Sarah dumped all that on me.
  • "I just can't disappoint my friend.
  • "I'd like to be assertive, but assertiveness is the same as saying "no" which would end my friendship and ruin my life."

How close did I get? I know that this is unlikely to be your exact situation, but can you picture yourself in it?

Let's review what is happening here to see what can be effectively and helpfully done. Sarah has made a commitment for you. You didn't make it for yourself; you only acquiesced to her committing you.

How well is that working for you?

Assertiveness isn't about responding to one event, it's about changing your relationships. The good news is its simple, not that hard, and almost painless—really!

If you wait until you are in a pinch, like this one, you are unlikely to think of just the right thing to say, in just the right way. So you are better off changing your relationship style patiently after some practice by yourself.

Take a sheet of paper and write on the top line: "I have no right to make my commitments." Then write every reason you can think of that others may have a right to commit you to something—anything! Write all these reasons on that same sheet of paper. Do them all the same day you begin. Don't write past the last line. If you are in mid-sentence on the last line, just stop; don't complete the sentence.

Put the paper away until tomorrow.

Tomorrow take out your sheet and read what you wrote. Then begin disputing them; that is, begin stating what is wrong with your statements. Use another sheet of paper. Don't write on more than one side of the paper. Do this every day for at least 2 weeks.

After you have done this exercise enough to convince you that you have a right to make your own commitments and no one else, you'll have taken a critical step.

Next you might practice how to respond to those who make commitments for you.

I suggest stating your sympathy for the other person's problem, followed by an encouraging comment, but do not take on a commitment!

Here is an example:

"I am pleased that you are supporting your husband in his effort to impress his business acquaintance. I know it is difficult to pull all the pieces together. If I were available just now, you know I'd assist. I trust the evening will be a great success. Good luck."

Let's look at its components:

    I understand your problem. I am sympathetic with you. I hope things work out for you. I'm not committing to do anything!

In order that you will make the best use of this quite morally right approach, you might consider a supporting idea. You have no obligation to anyone to explain your motivation for anything you do. That is, you have no need to give a reason for your decision or judgment. Of course, you may want to explain what you are doing or what you want, but you don't owe an explanation of why.

When Sarah asks you why, meaning what is your reason, nothing you say will be good enough for her. So why get into that crazy discussion?

You are under no obligation to tell Sarah why you are unavailable to assist. It is bad manners to ask, but if she does, stick to your rights. "Sarah I regret I'm not available right now."

It may seem too simple, but once you have come to really know that only you have the right to commit for you, then politely but firmly saying "no" will be much less difficult.

A note of caution: Some of your friends may not continue to be your friends if you won't let them make commitments for you. Possibly, but not likely, you may find yourself completely alone without a friend in the world. How bad would that be? Maybe it would be painful for a while, but you are likely to make new friends who won't attempt this rude tact of trying to make your commitments for you.

Read How to Stubbornly Refuse To Make Yourself Miserable About Anything—Yes, Anything! REVISED 2nd Edition. By Albert Ellis, Ph. D. See:

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