Disputing
Under nearly every disturbed emotion you have, there is a demand you make that doesn't make any sense to you. Don't believe it? That's because you so simply and easily disturb yourself that you often don't even notice the illogic in your thinking. I'll bet you don't even notice there's any thinking involved at all. That's because much of your irrational thinking is unconscious. You are doing it, but you are so good at it that you don't have to concentrate; sort of like crossing a familiar street, or touching the blinker just before entering your driveway.
Would you like to find it? I'll show you how. Then maybe you might like to change thinking that doesn't make sense to you; I'll show you how to do that, too. But, I can only show you. You will have to do the work necessary. Seeing is believing, but practicing makes changes! If you practice what you learn until you can do it skillfully, readily, and smoothly, you will notice that you have acquired a rational thinking approach that will result not only in non-disturbed feelings and behavior, but also in a more pleasant and satisfying life.
Would you like the good news? It's not too hard; it doesn't take too long; and you can do it! First, write a simple sentence with a disturbed emotion as the verb.
Example:
I resent my father leaving us when I was sixteen years old.
Good start! Now change the word resent to demand and change the sentence to be grammatically correct.
Example:
I demand my father not have left us when I was sixteen years old!
Very good! But that's not a demand! I know I told you to do it that way, but it isn't complete quite yet. A demand has an "or else." Do what I want; or else...is a demand. But what is your "or else?" Well, here is where I get to show off my mind reading ability (Actually, these are all pretty much the same).
Or else, I'll disturb myself and ruin my whole day!
I know these are my words, but isn't that what you do to yourself when you engage in your most intense demands? Sure, you may use different words, or most likely you don’t use words at all, but doesn’t this phrase capture the essence of your conscious and unconscious "or else"?
I demand my father not have left us when I was sixteen years old, or else, I'll disturb myself and ruin my whole day.
Now, think about that. Did you know you had that crazy demand tucked away under the disturbed resentment like that? Has that demand ever gotten you what you want? Does it get you what you want right now? Is it likely to ever get you what you want? It makes you miserable, though. That's all it does. In light of really looking at it, does that demand make any sense to you? I told you so.
Are you ready to give it up yet? Don't hurry. Give it some thought. You don't have to get rid of it. When you're ready, here's how.
Do you notice that it is the "or else" part of the demand that is creating your disturbance? This "or else"; is inferred from some global, commanding, absolutistic, demand, as in the following:
"I must have my way, or else. . ."
"Others must do as I want them to, or else. . ."
"Others should treat me as I like, or else. . ."
Attacking the global, commanding, absolutistic, demanding "or else" is key to the elegant REBT solution, which is to rid oneself of absolutistic commanding demanding. Writing your specific demand preface with its global "or else" suffix may help you to see the global "or else" connection to your specific demanding thinking; it may also help you to efficiently train your brain to monitor what demand preface you foolishly choose to dream up. This in turn may trigger you to notice your silly demand and give it up before you drive yourself nuts. Anyway, to continue.
Change the word demand to prefer, and rewrite the sentence to make sense. Take note. Preferences don't have or else. Preferences have however.
Example:
I prefer my father not have left us when I was sixteen years old; however, if I don't get my way, I can tolerate it emotionally.
Whoa! Does this mean it's OK for my father to have left us when I was sixteen? Of course not. But will you manage better or deal effectively if you are disturbing yourself all over the place? Not likely. First things first; get over disturbing yourself so you can think straight. Then act.
Do you notice that it is the tolerant attitude that brings relief from the disturbance? The "however" part of the preference is inferred from a more global accepting, tolerant attitude. Can you see that it will be difficult to disturb yourself if you adopt an accepting, tolerant attitude to life's experiences?
Does this mean you will make yourself a sap? A doormat? No. It means you will free yourself from the burden of emotional disturbance about problems in life so you can consider solutions that will work best for you.
I've showed you how. Now you practice. Everyday. Until you can do it effortlessly. You may even wake up one morning and realize you haven't been disturbed lately. Won't that be something?
You can see how this looks written out work sheet fashion on the disturbance worksheet.
Write out this process for six disturbances. I recommend writing a few of your resentments; they are often easy to find, as well as generally clear to work on at first. At any rate, take the risk to write about your most painful disturbances. It may not be fun, but it is good therapy. Copy this work sheet over in the same order as the original once each day for the next 13 days. This completes two weeks of writing the same disturbances each day. Repeating the same disturbances may seem ridiculous at first. However, it tends to force one to see that it is not the problem (event, person, etc.) that is driving one nuts, it is that crazy "or else."
Then for the next 30 days, read one of those sheets each day. Once you have broken the "bad habit" of irrational demanding, you can help yourself greatly to prevent easy relapse by reinforcing your hard earned gains with a brief daily reminder. Don’t short change yourself; do the work.
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